The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.

— Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person (1961)

Every day, we encounter behaviours that are easy to judge and much harder to understand. Perhaps the greatest gift of trauma-informed care is that it teaches us to pause long enough to wonder what those behaviours might be trying to communicate.

Have you ever noticed how two people can experience similar events, yet respond in completely different ways?

One person may become quiet and withdrawn, while another may appear angry or impulsive in response to the same experience. Some people strive to be perfect, while others avoid close relationships altogether. At first glance, these differing responses can seem confusing. Yet beneath each behaviour is often a story of adaptation—a survival strategy that developed in response to an adverse experience. This idea echoes the work of Dr. Gabor Maté, who suggests that many of our coping patterns are not signs of dysfunction, but adaptations that once helped us survive emotionally.

Understanding Trauma Beyond the Event

Trauma is not defined solely by the events a person experiences, but by the lasting impact those experiences have on the mind, body, and the way they relate to others. In other words, it is not only what happens to us that matters, but how those experiences shape our capacity to feel safe, regulate our emotions, and form trusting relationships.

Trauma may result from abuse, neglect, violence, or significant loss. However, it can also develop through more subtle, persistent experiences such as chronic stress, emotional neglect, inconsistent caregiving, or growing up in an environment where a child did not consistently feel safe, seen, or understood. While these experiences may not always be recognised as traumatic, their cumulative impact can profoundly shape emotional development.

As Dr. Bruce D. Perry’s work in developmental neuroscience has demonstrated, early experiences profoundly shape the developing brain. Throughout childhood, the brain develops in response to the environment around it. For children who experience consistency, safety, and emotional attunement, the world gradually becomes a place that feels predictable and secure. For children exposed to chronic stress or emotional uncertainty, the brain adapts differently. Rather than prioritising exploration, learning, and connection, it becomes increasingly focused on detecting and responding to potential threats.

Seen through this lens, behaviours that appear confusing or challenging often make perfect sense. Rather than viewing behaviour as something to correct or eliminate, trauma-informed practice encourages us to understand it as meaningful communication- a reflection of the ways a person has learned to survive, adapt, and make sense of their world.

Defence Mechanisms: The Mind’s Protective Responses

From a psychoanalytic perspective, defence mechanisms are unconscious psychological processes that help us manage emotional experiences that may otherwise feel unbearable. They are not signs of weakness or pathology; rather, they are creative adaptations that develop to preserve emotional wellbeing when our internal or external worlds feel overwhelming.

For example, someone who experienced inconsistent caregiving may learn to minimise their emotional needs and become fiercely independent. Another person may avoid intimacy because closeness has become associated with disappointment, rejection, or emotional pain. Others may rely on denial, emotional withdrawal, or the intellectualisation of painful experiences to create enough emotional distance to continue functioning.

While these protective strategies may have once served an important purpose, they can sometimes limit emotional flexibility, strain relationships, or make it difficult to seek support later on in life. When we understand these patterns with compassion rather than judgement, we begin to appreciate not only what someone is doing, but why these ways of coping developed in the first place.

Looking Beyond Behaviour

When we begin to understand behaviour as communication rather than defiance, fear rather than manipulation, or protection rather than resistance, we naturally respond differently. Instead of asking someone to ‘do better’, we become curious about the experiences that shaped the way they relate to themselves and to others.

Trauma-informed and psychoanalytic approaches share a common belief: lasting change does not occur through shame or punishment, but through relationships characterised by empathy, consistency, and emotional safety. Within these relationships, people can gradually recognise that the protective ways of coping which once helped them survive may no longer be serving them. As emotional safety grows, new ways of relating, to themselves and to others, become possible.