When Relief Becomes Repetition: Addiction, Intoxication and Self-Sabotage

Alcohol, drugs and gambling can begin as sources of pleasure, excitement or social connection. Over time, however, they may become ways of escaping emotional pain, quietening an anxious mind, avoiding loneliness or temporarily becoming someone who feels more confident, powerful or free.

When the behaviour repeatedly causes harm to relationships, finances, health, work or self-respect, it can be difficult to understand why the person continues.

From the outside, the answer may appear simple: “Why don’t they just stop?”

A psychodynamic perspective asks a different question:

Addiction is not simply a lack of willpower

Addiction is influenced by biological, psychological and social factors. Genetics, trauma, mental health, social environment, availability and the addictive properties of a substance or activity may all contribute.

Psychodynamic thinking does not replace these explanations. Instead, it considers the emotional meaning of the behaviour.

Alcohol, drugs and gambling may provide temporary relief from feelings that are difficult to identify, express or tolerate. These may include:

• Shame or inadequacy
• Anxiety and agitation
• Loneliness or emptiness
• Anger and resentment
• Grief or rejection
• Fear of intimacy
• Feelings of helplessness
• Harsh self-criticism
• Uncertainty about identity
• Memories or sensations connected to trauma

Psychiatrist Edward Khantzian described addiction as a form of “self-medication.” From this perspective, people may discover that particular substances temporarily alter emotional states they otherwise struggle to manage. He also connected addictive behaviour with difficulties regulating emotions, self-esteem, relationships and self-care.

The behaviour may therefore begin as an attempted solution before becoming another source of suffering.

What does the substance or behaviour provide?

Different people may use the same substance for very different emotional reasons.

Alcohol may help one person feel socially confident, another express anger they usually suppress, and another temporarily escape a severe internal critic.

Stimulants may create energy, confidence or a sense of competence in someone who ordinarily feels depleted or inadequate. Sedating substances may soften anxiety, emotional pain or frightening internal experiences.

Gambling can create excitement where there is emptiness, hope where there is despair, and the fantasy of control where life feels unpredictable. The next bet may promise not only money but rescue—the belief that one win will repair previous losses, relieve shame and restore a damaged sense of self.

Does intoxication reveal the “true person”?

People sometimes say that alcohol reveals someone’s true character. The reality is more complicated.

Alcohol can impair judgement, attention and inhibition. A person may act on an impulse without adequately considering the consequences. They may misread another person’s intentions, become more reactive or focus on an immediate reward rather than their longer-term values.

This does not necessarily mean that every intoxicated action reveals a secret wish. Human beings experience many passing feelings and impulses that they do not endorse or act upon when they are able to reflect.

At the same time, intoxication may allow previously avoided emotions or conflicts to emerge. Anger that has been suppressed may become aggression. A need for reassurance may appear as sexual attention-seeking. Resentment may emerge through provocation or betrayal.

Alcohol can help remove the psychological controls that usually keep these feelings out of awareness. However, it cannot tell us exactly what the behaviour means. That requires curiosity about the individual and the circumstances.

Cheating and other destructive behaviour while intoxicated

When someone cheats while intoxicated, it may be tempting to conclude that they simply wanted to cheat all along. Sometimes there may have been a conscious desire or opportunity. In other situations, the behaviour may reflect a more complicated emotional conflict.

Possible themes might include:

• Seeking reassurance that one is still desirable
• Escaping feelings of inadequacy or rejection
• Expressing anger towards a partner indirectly
• Creating distance when emotional closeness feels frightening
• Pursuing excitement to escape emptiness
• Trying to become a more confident or powerful version of oneself
• Destroying a relationship before the other person has the chance to leave
• Repeating earlier experiences of betrayal, instability or abandonment
• Confirming an existing belief such as “I ruin everything” or “I am unlovable”

These possibilities are not conclusions that can be imposed on every person who cheats. They are questions to explore.

Understanding the meaning beneath the behaviour should not minimise its impact. A person can have genuine emotional vulnerabilities and still be responsible for the choices that caused harm.

When feelings are expressed through actions

Psychodynamic therapists sometimes use the term acting out to describe emotions or conflicts that are communicated through behaviour rather than experienced, thought about and expressed in words.

A person may be unable to say:

• “I am frightened you will leave me.”
• “I feel trapped in this relationship.”
• “I need reassurance.”
• “I am angry with you.”
• “I feel empty.”
• “I do not believe I deserve what I have.”
• “I am afraid of depending on anyone.”

Instead, these feelings may be enacted through intoxication, gambling, affairs, aggression, disappearing, reckless spending or other impulsive behaviour.

The action can create immediate relief. It may turn a passive feeling into something active. Rather than waiting to be rejected, the person creates the rejection. Rather than feeling powerless, they create a crisis in which they briefly feel in control.

The consequences, however, often recreate the very feelings the person was trying to escape.

Why would someone sabotage something good?

Self-sabotage can appear irrational, particularly when someone damages a relationship, career or period of recovery that they consciously value.

One possibility is that safety and success feel unfamiliar. A person who grew up with instability may consciously want a calm relationship while unconsciously experiencing calmness as uncertain or unsafe. Conflict may be painful, but it is recognisable.

Another possibility is an expectation of eventual disappointment. If someone believes that relationships always end, destroying the relationship themselves can create an illusion of control. Being the person who leaves, cheats or provokes rejection may feel less helpless than waiting to be abandoned.

Some people also carry a harsh internal belief that they do not deserve love, success or stability. When something good occurs, guilt or anxiety may increase. The person may then behave in a way that restores a familiar negative view of themselves.

The behaviour may appear to prove:

• “I am a bad person.”
• “Nobody can really love me.”
• “Good things never last.”
• “People always leave.”
• “I cannot be trusted.”
• “There is no point trying to change.”

Self-sabotage can therefore become a painful form of emotional certainty.

Repeating what has not been understood

People sometimes repeat situations that resemble earlier painful experiences, even when they consciously want something different.

This does not mean they enjoy suffering. The repetition may represent an unconscious attempt to gain control over something that once felt overwhelming.

For example, someone who experienced unpredictable care may repeatedly enter unstable relationships. A person who felt ignored may create crises that ensure they cannot be overlooked. Someone who was betrayed may later become the betrayer, shifting from the powerless position to the powerful one.

Alcohol, drugs or gambling can become part of this repetition. Each episode may promise a different ending:

• “This time I will stop before it goes too far.”
• “This time I will win the money back.”
• “This time nobody will find out.”
• “This time I will remain in control.”

Instead, the cycle often ends with familiar experiences of shame, rejection, loss or helplessness.

Gambling and the fantasy of rescue

Gambling can have particular psychological meanings. The uncertainty creates intense anticipation, while winning can produce a temporary sense of power, specialness or triumph.

The fantasy may be that one dramatic event will repair everything. A large win will remove debt, restore self-esteem, resolve conflict and create a new life.

When the person loses, shame and desperation may increase. Rather than tolerating the loss, they may continue gambling to undo it. This is known as chasing losses, but psychologically it can also become an attempt to reverse humiliation and prove that the person was right to keep believing.

The result is a cycle in which gambling causes the distress that gambling then promises to relieve.

The shame cycle

After an episode of drinking, drug use or gambling, a person may experience intense regret. They may apologise, promise to change or attempt to repair the damage.

If the underlying emotions remain unaddressed, shame can become another trigger.

Shaming someone rarely resolves addiction because shame may already be helping to maintain it. This does not mean removing boundaries or consequences. It means combining accountability with an attempt to understand what repeatedly drives the behaviour.

How psychodynamic therapy may help

Psychodynamic therapy does not only focus on stopping the behaviour. It helps the person understand why that behaviour has become necessary or compelling.

Therapy may help someone to:

• Identify the feelings and situations that trigger urges
• Understand what alcohol, drugs or gambling provide emotionally
• Put previously confusing feelings into words
• Recognise patterns of self-punishment and self-sabotage
• Explore fears of intimacy, dependence or abandonment
• Understand the role of shame and the internal critic
• Notice when past relationships are being repeated in the present
• Develop safer ways to regulate distress
• Take responsibility without reducing themselves to “a bad person”
• Build a more reliable capacity for self-care

Psychodynamic work may form one part of treatment alongside medical care, withdrawal support, addiction counselling, peer programs, medication, practical safeguards and relationship or family interventions.

Insight alone may not be sufficient. Where there is dependence, treatment also needs to address cravings, withdrawal, access to substances or gambling, financial controls, high-risk situations and the safety of the person and others.

Understanding is not the same as excusing

A psychodynamic perspective seeks meaning beneath behaviour, but meaning does not cancel responsibility.

If intoxicated behaviour has involved violence, coercion, dangerous driving, sexual misconduct, neglect or other harm, the safety of those affected must come first. The person may need firm boundaries, specialised treatment and legal or protective intervention.

Genuine repair involves more than an apology. It may require:

• Naming what occurred without minimising it
• Listening to the impact on others
• Accepting appropriate consequences
• Making practical changes to prevent recurrence
• Seeking treatment for substance use or gambling
• Demonstrating change consistently over time

Seeking support

Addiction often involves an attempt to manage distress alone. Recovery begins when the behaviour can be approached with honesty, appropriate accountability and support.

If alcohol, drugs or gambling are affecting your relationships, finances, health or safety, consider speaking with your GP, psychologist or an addiction service.

Written by Michiel Gonzales, Registered Psychologist