When Motherhood Awakens Old Feelings: Postnatal Depression and the Mothers We Carry Within

Becoming a mother is often imagined as a time of immediate love, fulfilment and connection. For many women, however, the postnatal period can also bring exhaustion, anxiety, sadness, anger, guilt or a frightening sense of disconnection.

Postnatal depression affects approximately one in seven women following the birth of a baby. It may involve persistent low mood, loss of pleasure, irritability, hopelessness, difficulty sleeping even when the baby is asleep, feelings of worthlessness, or feeling disconnected from the baby and other people.

Postnatal depression does not have a single cause. Hormonal and physical changes, sleep deprivation, birth trauma, previous mental health difficulties, isolation, financial pressure, relationship stress and the demands of caring for a baby may all contribute.

From a psychodynamic perspective, becoming a mother can also awaken powerful feelings connected to a woman’s own experience of having been cared for.

Becoming a mother can bring back being mothered

A new baby is completely dependent. They need to be fed, soothed, held and responded to repeatedly—often without being able to communicate clearly what they need.

Caring for this vulnerability can bring a mother into contact with her own earliest experiences of dependency. She may find herself remembering her childhood more vividly, thinking about her relationship with her mother, or experiencing emotions that seem unexpectedly intense.

Some of the questions that may emerge include:

• What if I cannot give my baby what they need?
• Why do I become so distressed when my baby cries?
• Why do I feel angry when my baby needs me?
• Why do I feel abandoned when nobody looks after me?
• What if I become like my mother?
• Why am I grieving when this is supposed to be a happy time?

These questions do not mean that a mother does not love her baby. They may indicate that motherhood has touched an older emotional experience that has not previously had words.

How early relationships shape our expectations of care

Through our earliest relationships, we gradually develop expectations about ourselves and other people. Repeated experiences of being comforted, ignored, protected, criticised or frightened can influence what we come to expect from relationships.

These experiences may create lasting emotional expectations:

• Are other people available when I need them?
• Is it safe to depend on someone?
• Will my needs be welcomed or rejected?
• Am I lovable when I am distressed?
• Must I be quiet, useful or perfect to receive care?
• Can anger and love exist within the same relationship?

These early expectations do not determine a person’s future. However, they can influence how someone experiences closeness, dependency and care—particularly during periods of stress or vulnerability.

The mother we carry within

A woman may carry an internal experience of her own mother that is loving and reassuring. During difficult moments, she may draw on memories of being comforted and find it easier to trust herself.

For others, this internal relationship may be more complicated. Their mother may have been emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, frightened, critical, intrusive or struggling with her own difficulties. Some women may have experienced neglect or trauma, while others may have felt responsible for caring for their mother rather than being cared for themselves.

When their baby cries or cannot be soothed, these mothers may experience more than the immediate situation. The baby’s helplessness may unconsciously remind them of their own helplessness. The baby’s need may stir feelings connected to needs that were dismissed or never met.

Psychoanalyst Selma Fraiberg and her colleagues described how unresolved experiences from a parent’s childhood can reappear within the relationship with their baby. They called these experiences “ghosts in the nursery.”

Love and resentment can exist together

One of the most painful parts of postnatal depression can be the belief that a “good mother” should feel endlessly loving, patient and grateful.

Real relationships are more complicated. A mother may deeply love her baby while also missing her previous life. She may feel protective and trapped, connected and lonely, grateful and resentful.

Having mixed feelings does not make someone a bad mother. Difficulties can arise when anger, disappointment or resentment feel so unacceptable that they must be pushed away. These feelings may then return as guilt, self-criticism, anxiety, numbness or the conviction that one is failing.

When the internal critic becomes louder

Motherhood often creates an impossible standard. A woman may compare herself with other mothers, idealised social-media images or the mother she believes she should be.

If she grew up feeling that love depended on being good, helpful or successful, she may approach motherhood in the same way. Every unsettled night, feeding difficulty or moment of frustration can then feel like evidence that she is inadequate.

The internal voice may say:

• A better mother would know what to do.
• Other women can manage this.
• I should not need help.
• If I feel angry, I must be dangerous.
• If my baby is distressed, I have failed.

This is not about blaming mothers

Exploring a woman’s relationship with her mother is not about finding someone to blame.

Our mothers were shaped by their own histories, relationships, cultures and circumstances. They may also have experienced depression, trauma, poverty, isolation or limited support. Fathers, partners, extended family, community and broader social expectations all contribute to how a person experiences care.

A psychodynamic understanding aims to replace blame with curiosity. The important question is not simply, “Who caused this?” but:

How psychodynamic therapy may help

Psychodynamic therapy provides a space in which a mother can speak about feelings that may seem shameful, confusing or contradictory without being judged.

Therapy may help a mother to:

• Understand why particular moments with her baby feel overwhelming
• Recognise connections between present emotions and earlier relationships
• Grieve for care she needed but may not have received
• Separate her baby’s current needs from unresolved experiences of her own
• Soften a harsh internal critic
• Express anger, sadness and resentment safely
• Develop a more compassionate understanding of herself
• Build confidence in her own way of mothering

Treatment should be matched to the individual. Depending on the severity and circumstances, recovery may involve psychological therapy, medical care, medication, practical assistance, partner or family support, and specialised perinatal services.

Reaching for support

Postnatal depression is not evidence that a mother is weak, ungrateful or incapable of loving her baby. It is a treatable mental health condition arising during one of life’s most emotionally and physically demanding transitions.

Sometimes becoming a mother introduces a woman not only to her baby, but also to younger and more vulnerable parts of herself. With appropriate support, she can begin to understand these feelings, receive care herself and develop a relationship with her baby that is not confined by the past.

The aim is not to become a perfect mother. It is to become increasingly able to recognise what belongs to the present, what may have been carried forward from earlier relationships, and what both mother and baby need now.

Written by Michiel Gonzales, Registered Psychologist